Accessories as Weapons


The Glossary – “Go-to goodies for men women and children.”  


Under the concealer and sunscreen, it’s a brutish and savage world full of age spots and surgical enhancements. As we all saw last week on the season finale of the Real Housewives of New York City, you  could be sitting at Le Cirque with a group of underdressed, overextended divorcées as vain and obnoxious as yourself, and someone could cry out that “The only thing that is artificial or fake about me is THIS!!!” and slam their perfectly manicured shapeless toothpick of a prosthetic leg on the table. See here:

Now what to you do?

We recommend defending yourself. Unfortunately, you may not wear enough clothing to hide a squirt gun between your implants in order to shoot them in the updo. So if you are ever picking at your salad and are brought foot to face with a custom prosthesis in your bread plate, don’t be intimidated. (We know you were not eating the bread. But still.)

Here are the shields and swords you need to defend yourself against Real Miserable Housewives everywhere:

Jeweled Knuckles

Fortunately for De Beers, more rings are always better, and now that layering those rings is a look that appears to be hanging on since its introduction in 2012, you will display your very own uptown version of brass knuckles. Slam your fist down on the table in such a way that everyone gets a good look at all your fabulous rings. Stack long and strong for maximum impact.  Click here for

De Beers

Chain Belts

Just rise, unfasten this from your low riders and wield it like a bullwhip across the floral centerpiece, shattering it spectacularly.  This black and pearl belt with an accessory bow on the hip from White House Black Market for $68 will do the trick.

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Mont Blanc Pen

Set your wine glass aside, dig a pen out of your teeny weeny crocodile purse and write about everything. Nothing scares bad people as much as ink. You will soon clear the room. The only people left will be the people who aren’t up to anything.  How about this Princess Grace de Monaco from the Montblanc Diva line?

Princesse Grace de Monaco Ballpoint Pen

A Fierce Bestie

When all the  straight men are standing around looking at the floor after a prosthetic leg has been used as an assault weapon, sometimes all you really need is a vicious queen at your side. Andy Cohen defended the honor and turf of his Housewives with an animated talking prosthetic leg on Watch What Happens Live right after the finale.

Now top that.


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